Distractive Behavior

And on it goes - two weeks without smoking, and so far so good. It's getting to be a little anti-climactic, actually. I'm starting to wonder if I'll have much more content for this little blog o' mine. It seems like the trick is to not buy weed, and then hang on for the first few days or so until the "withdrawal" symptoms subside.

So it is getting easier, although now I realize how much my smoking was part of my daily routine. I used to get up early, get out of the house, and get on the way to work. The sooner I did that, you see, the sooner I could smoke, and the more time I would have to "air out*" before the coworkers started showing up. I've got a low-grade case of paranoia on my good days, so when smoking I really went out of my way to hide any signs of my hobby. If I got to work early enough, I'd even have time to make coffee and/or rub dry grounds on my hands a little (did you know that the smell of coffee is sort of a natural olfactory reset? do a search for "coffee" on this page).

Now I find myself at a bit of a loss. There's no real motivation to get going ASAP in the morning, and a few other activities seem to be "missing something". In short, I think I'm just plain bored.

I haven't really felt like doing anything very active beyond the usual household chores, though I am hopeful this will change over time. I feel like I want to sleep more, but I'm not sure if that's a side-effect of my usual depressive tendencies or the depressive tendencies that come from kicking the habit (most likely a little of "column A" and "column B").

I do feel a little more wound-up than usual - I keep catching myself bouncing my leg at work, twisting at loose threads, etc. To keep from doing said behaviors at home I usually end up playing video games, which engage the senses and keep my hands busy. With any luck I'll be able to channel the restlessness or whatever it is and finally get my home office cleaned up (not bloody likely). I imagine my wife is wondering how much Bejeweled one person can play. If/when she mentions the game habit, I must remember not to shout, "I quit weed - what the f--k else do you want me to do?!?!" Whew - after all that rambling, I found a reach-able goal...


* or as I liked to call it "begin my de-scent" ha-ha-ha...

Minus Weed for a Week Plus

Last week Tuesday evening was the last time I toked. I remember being in a reminiscent frame of mind before, during and after. Ideally it would be the last time I toked, ever, and it felt a little like saying good-bye to a friend who's moving far away. I remembered all the "good times" I had with weed, and I still do. I'm trying to focus less on those thoughts, and more on the "bad times" I had with weed and the positive aspects of quitting.

I'm not sure if I'll ever see my recreational use as an inherently bad thing. Illegal, sure, but so is speeding, and countries where it is legal (or states where the medical thing is legal) seem to not have so many problems, whereas our current policies are putting some pretty non-violent offenders in jail - but of course these are the usual rationalizations that smokers use.

The frequency and dosage of my use in the not-so-distant past didn't seem like it was too detrimental, at least not to ME. I'm not sure if "functional addict" is a term that would apply, but I was certainly smoking daily and still managed to keep my job, adding responsibilities at work, advancing the career, etc. So I felt like the motivation-quashing aspect of smoking wasn't in effect for me.

Looking at it from a little more distance and time smoke-free, I can see that while it didn't necessarily turn me into the stereotypical stoner (you know - sitting around taking bong hits and eating takeout all day, growing dreads, etc.) it didn't exactly help me excel.

Perhaps my motivation was still there - but at least some of it was directed toward smoking and related tasks/activities: obtaining the necessary materials/supplies (screens, pipe, lighters, gum and/or mints, air freshener, the weed itself), took some time and effort. Probably more effort than I put into most other things in my life, or at least occupied my thoughts more than a lot of things.

Partly this was because I had to keep my habit of getting high on the down-low to avoid the wrath of the spouse - super-surreptitious smoking requires some planning, especially if smoking at home is not an option unless the (human) cohabitant is going to be gone for a few hours.

So I had my sweet little secret setup - an Altoids tin that nicely held a small pipe, mini-lighter, maybe an extra screen, and a tiny bag o' smoke (usually in the little Zip-loc-style baggie that the local head shop uses for screens). Line the tin with a dryer sheet, artfully-folded, and there you go - not too much smell, no rattles when stashed in a backpack cell-phone pocket or hidey-hole in the car, and easy to quickly grab and sneak a hit or two before/after work, while walking the dog, running errands, etc. Sheesh - what a production (in retrospect). Stoners seem to get most creative/innovative when it comes to feeding their heads. I know I did...

ANYway, my point is that for not being an addict, I sure devoted a lot of time and effort to this particular hobby. Idiot.

Dreamfickles

I think I'm getting over it. At least, I don't feel like crying at my desk at work at random points during the day anymore. Not any more than usual, anyways... Which partly why no posts for the last while - I didn't feel up to anything more than the bare minimum. Unfortunately, work is especially busy lately, so I feel like that guy in the "Airplane" movies - "Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue."

I have a predisposition to depression anyway - as my ongoing prescriptions will attest. MANY moons ago, I was diagnosed with depression of the clinical variety. God bless whoever figured out SSRI's, is all I can say about that - I probably wouldn't be here if it wasn't for sertraline and budeprion.

All of which doesn't help my current situation much - the depression/irritability appears to be common when quitting "the pot" - but I think I'm getting over that part of it. Mostly.

What's really been coming on strong lately are my dreams. Holy surrealism, Batman! Seriously, my REM periods have been Dali-esque in their ruthless absurdity. Not really nightmares, usually, but things in my dreams have been more than a little left-of-center. Sort of an underlying menacing quality to everything, mixed in with scenarios where I find a nice big bag o' weed. Usually in the latter variety, the joy of obtaining smoke-able stuff is highly tempered by waves of guilt, and the scenarios often end with the embarrassing situation surrounding the eventual discovery of my newly-found stash. In a dream-like way, of course.

I've given up trying to "interpret" these dreams - mostly because they're pretty opaque, but also because I'm still getting used to dreaming (or at least remembering dreams) again. I'd like to see the difference in brainwaves during sleep while on weed vs. off weed, though - mostly to see if the needles jump a lot less during the former, or if I'm just remembering my dreams because of the latter. If that makes sense.

We'll see how often I end up posting about all this. Part of it is therapeutic/cathartic, but I wonder if it's easier to just not think about it - sort of like the over-eager AA proponents who give up alcohol and then seem addicted to meetings and what-not. Nothing against any programs that help people, but I'm hoping to not just substitute one habit/obsession for another.

CBT and stages of change
On the cognitive-behavioral tip, I've been trying to lay off the caffeine a little more, and I think it's helping my sleep. I've also been trying to get more water (albeit of the over-priced vitamin-water/life-water varieties), and I think that's helping some, too.
Stages of change-wise, I'm moving from the Preparation/Determination stage to the Action/Willpower stage. Which seems to mostly involve not buying anything to smoke, and thereby avoiding the "negative behavior" of smoking. NOT buying weed is a lot easier than looking for it all the time, turns out.

Dazed and/or Confused

Huh. Apparently this weed thing has a tighter grip on me than first imagined. I had hoped that I was smoking infrequently enough that there wouldn't be a lot of adjusting to have to do.

Wrong again, dumbass.

There was a time some years ago when I was smoking too much. Due to some legal issues, I had to quit for a while. Back then it was wicked tough, and I was a right crabby bastard, although much of that (I thought at the time) was a result of frustration with those legal issues. Now I am inclined to think there might have been some withdrawal going on, and I'm pretty sure that this time I'm responding with some withdrawal-like symptoms.

Which initially I found pretty strange, because weed isn't addictive, right? Maybe not inherently addictive, but I think it depends on the person and his or her circumstances. Trust me when I say that there are definitely some goofy things going on with my mind and body, and they're going on because I'm not smoking.

So I haven't been sleeping well, I sweat even more so than usual (which is saying something), my appetite is "meh" and my mood is "blah" or worse. Also crazy dreams, and I'm finding myself getting irate at the slightest provocation. I'm an easy-going but emotional guy, and I've had to restrain the urge to flip off and/or throw things at some of my fellow commuters much more than usual. I like real roller-coasters better - these emotional ones are annoying as hell. I did some digging today after realizing that all this was going on, and it turns out it's not all that unusual for some people to have similar experiences when they quit.

In good-news/bad-news terms:
I'm not totally crazy/I may be a little more dependent on the stuff than I thought.

So I say to myself, "Self, that sure is unfortunate, isn't it? Darn it all to heck, anyhoo. What a wuss, to become addicted to something so silly." (I'm editing my colorful inner dialogue for the more gentle readers, there).

BUT, being aware of it helps, and I feel like I have the efficacy* to ride it out. I guess we'll see.

*look it up - I'm not your dictionary

Weed Better Quit Smoking

Short Summary
The time has come for me to not smoke anymore. I'm not really in the mood to quit just yet, but my spouse is definitely in the mood for me to quit right now.

The (Probable) Process
I'll be using standard cognitive behavioral therapy techniques, and hope to employ the Stages of Change Model as I go.

Current stage:
Preparation, I guess - I feel like I've been hovering in the Precontemplation-Contemplation stages for a while, but starting this sort of journal would indicate at least some movement toward Preparation-Action stages. Plus, I don't have any smoke available, nor am I actively pursuing it.

And so:
Not buying the necessary vegetable matter seems to be a pretty good first step, and a relatively simple one. Which is easy to say after not smoking all of three or four days. By this time next week I'll probably be scraping resin out of my pipe stem or something, but for now the important thing is to dwell on the positive aspects of this behavior change. I should make a list of said positives at some point...

I am probably in denial to some extent - mostly I'm kind of mystified as to what the big hairy deal is, while my spouse is adamant that smoking is a "bad" behavior. If you haven't guessed by now, my quitting is not very voluntary. The wife's main concerns seem to be that 1) I'm a royal pain when I run out of it, and 2) it causes me to "keep secrets" from her.

My initial responses to these concerns are:
1) Yes, I was definitely a jerk when I was smoking a LOT and would run out of smoke, several years ago. Since then I have smoked on and off, kept the "dosage" pretty low, and been no more jerk-esque than non-smoking-me if/when I involuntarily stop (read: when it's dry and there's none to be had).
2) Secrets in a relationship are not good, I will agree. But if I keep it on the DL, she doesn't know that I smoke, and doesn't get mad. It seems things hit the fan only when she catches me red eyed -handed, so I guess that was my motivation to keep it secret. Sort of a "happy wife, happy life" thing - or maybe "what she doesn't know won't hurt her (or me)" - or perhaps similar to complimenting the mother-in-law's pumpkin-coconut dessert while simultaneously suppressing the gag reflex.

Pretty weak responses, which I haven't really articulated to her, since I know they will seem weaker if not completely feeble to her mind. I can respect that, but when I've been smoking regularly for a while, and she makes comments about how much better I seem now that I've quit...

I could rationalize this hobby all the live-long day, but at the end of it, I'm sure any such arguments would be filed under the category "Denial" by her. And I can respect that, too. Especially since my rationalizations whisper "addiction" to me, and probably scream the same to her.

So, while she and I will probably never agree on this issue, it doesn't mean I'll stand by my position to the detriment of my marriage. I'd gladly take a bullet for her, so I'll just have to sadly quit taking bong-hits for her.

And that's probably for the best.